Sex is something to be enjoyed, a way to connect with your partner and also a way to release certain chemicals in the brain that allow you to feel happier and more relaxed than prior to sex. However, when you are too stressed, thinking about having sex isn’t typically on the radar. To be your best self, it is important to know how to have balance in life. If you are struggling with knowing how to de-stress, try tackling some of these stress management tips.

Acknowledge sources of stress. Do you have relationships that cause more stress than benefit? Try being more assertive or place strong boundaries around them. What about not enough time in the day to get everything accomplished? Maybe there are some things on your schedule you can start cutting back on. Identifying some of those sources of stress and dealing with them directly can greatly impact your stress management.

Exercise. Stress can at times create excess energy. Physical activity can allow the body to use that energy in a healthy way. By allowing the body to use that energy, the body can return back to a more normal state, physiologically. You may also be interested in investing in a stress ball that can help throughout the day. As stress builds, utilizing a stress ball is a way to engage in smaller doses of physical activity and releasing that build up stress.

Have Fun. In the midst of a stressful time, we sometimes forget to disconnect and do the things we love. Think about a hobby or something creative that engages your mind in a different way, but allows you to settle down.

Time. Managing your time can be a huge part of stress management. Having every moment in a day booked isn’t very conducive to a stress free environment. Sit down and make a schedule of all the things you do in a day and how long you think they take you. Then throughout the week write down how long each thing actually takes you. You might want to look over that list and find items that you can start living without, to create more free time in your day to engage in self care.

Procrastination.For those of you who are avid procrastinators, you know how stressful it can be to wait until the last minute to perform a task. This in itself can produce a lot of pressure and unnecessary stress. Try working on that assignment or task a little bit each day, so that it doesn’t overwhelm you when the task slowly creeps up to the deadline.

Sleep. This can be a difficult step, since many people can’t sleep well when they are stressed. Try and get as much of the normal eight hours of sleep as you can. Even one hour of missed sleep can affect your stress, concentration and memory.

Rewards. Taking time to celebrate completing a task can be a great way to feel good about your accomplishments. These don’t have to be big rewards. Think about watching a movie, taking a bath, going for a walk, or even playing a game.

The biggest piece in decreasing stress is relaxation. Relaxing helps the body reverse the stress response. Schedule yourself a massage, attend a yoga class, take a nap or engage in an activity that you find allows you to fully relax. In the end your body will be more able and willing to want to have sex when you decrease your stress.

These suggestions are to help guide you in your journey to living a more fulfilling sexual life. If you are experiencing any sexual difficulties or concerns, I encourage you to seek help. If you have any questions or comments about what you read, feel free to e-mail me at Emma@Emma-Schmidt.com .

“Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about sex.”

Salt N Pepa provide great wisdom in this chorus that so many couples forget to do in their relationships. Though sex happens (or doesn’t happen) between couples doesn’t mean sex is always talked about between them. I am sure you have heard that communication is extremely important in relationships. The same is true for your sex life. However, sometimes talking about such an intimate topic can feel silly, inappropriate, embarrassing, scary and simply feel unnecessary. Why is that? It can be due to many different variables, such as messages that were taught to you growing up, experiences that led you to believe these things, even culturally coming from a community that taught you it was improper or rude, among others. Nonetheless, talking about sex with your partner is actually very important to the overall satisfaction of your sex life. How do you know what your partner wants? If they are enjoying the process? If they would like to try something new? If they are turned off by something or turned on by something? There are also the underlying questions of “ What if I ask them to do something and they reject me, or think I am totally crazy?” Sometimes asking the hard questions can take you to a new level of intimacy and trust with your partner.

How does one even go about talking about sex? Try and set aside time to talk about it. This could be on a date night or even over dinner (without kids). Think about some items that have been stewing in your mind that you would like to bring up. Talk about these issues by using “I” statements. For example, say you would like more of a certain behavior to happen. You might say “I really enjoy it when you provide _______. I wonder if you would mind if we spend more time on that in the future?” or different example in how to lead into sex might be “I love that you want to have sex with me, I wonder if when you want to initiate sex you could kiss me, or rub my back instead of just asking if I want to have sex. I think that would feel less aggressive to me and help me feel more affection.” What’s happening is you’re communicating not only your wants and desires but also fine tuning what you like and could live without.

Occasionally even verbalizing these statements can still provide lots of anxiety. It’s okay to work yourself up to talking about these items. Try starting with sitting at a table and writing notes back and forth to each other about this topic. Writing can at times feel non-threatening. Eventually you want to be able to then transition into talking about your sexual behaviors. What is important to note is that if you don’t talk about the behavior, it will probably stay the same.

Another way to talk about sex is what some people like to call “pillow talk.” This is while you are in bed talking about the day, or even cuddle time after sex. Talking about what you liked and didn’t care for after the sexual session could be helpful for the next sexual interaction. Even talking about if providing that feedback during sex would be helpful. For instance, if you like or don’t like what the other one is doing, then verbalize that at that time. What we don’t want to happen is that the time you are having sex becomes very analytical and looses that natural intimate connection. No one wants to feel overly criticized during sex.

There can definitely be an ebb and flow to learning what fits best for your relationship. Try and process why you might be avoiding talking about sex. Sometimes even talking to a trained professional, such as a sex therapist, might be a great place to start if you are finding sex difficult to talk about.

These suggestions are to help guide you in your journey to living a more fulfilling sexual life. If you are experiencing any sexual difficulties or concerns, I encourage you to seek help. If you have any questions or comments about what you read, feel free to e-mail me at Emma@Emma-Schmidt.com 

Have you even noticed how glamorized Hollywood tends to make sex out to be? Sex is something that can be done anywhere, anytime, at the drop of a hat and the woman is ready and excited to go, right? Yet that is so far from reality. Hollywood sets women and men up for these high expectation sexual experiences, and once those expectations aren’t met, many are left feeling like failures or as if something is wrong with them. Then to make them feel like they are going even more crazy, you through on a sexual dysfunction and many times they start to feel broken. Have you seen many (if any) movies or shows depicting women having a sexual dysfunction? I haven’t. The truth is, is that in America over 20 million females will face painful sex (Goldstein, Pukall & Goldstein, 2011). Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (2012) approximated that one in five women will experience sexual pain.

That’s a lot of women struggling with the same thing. I see that woman often in my office. If you are struggling with sexual pain here are some terms to help you identify what you are going through and ways to help yourself have that healthy sex life that you deserve.

The overall term for painful sex is called dyspareunia (dis-puh-ROO-ne-uh). Painful sex can appear in many different forms. Sometimes the pain presents its self in the following ways:
– pain upon penetration or while putting in a tampon
– pain with certain people or during certain times,
– new pain after not having pain during intercourse,
– deep pain during thrusting and burning or aching pain.

The most common discomfort described are categorized but not limited to Vestibulitis, Vaginismus, and Vulvundynia.

Vestibulitis affects the entryway of the vagina called the vestibular. The sensation has been described as feeling like someone is cutting the vestibular with a knife, or a sharp, intense, burning pain. Researchers are not sure why this happens. Some theories predict that it could be due to an allergic reaction, the vulva being dehydrated, not enough lubrication or a hormonal or chemical cause. Clinical observations in California have been looking at the correlation between high progesterone birth controls contributing to the thinning of the vestibule, which would make that area easier to tear or become tender. Treatments include:
– topical medications such as lidocaine, cromolyn and estrogen,
– some anti-depressant pills such as amoxopine and clomiparemine,
– cognitive therapy from a therapist.

Though these might not take care of the problem fully, they can help the pain subside some and prevent the pain from worsening.

Vaginismus could also contribute to vestibulitis. This is when the muscles in the pelvic floor and the vagina tighten up and make penetration difficult or impossible. In recent studies Vaginismus Help found that the prevalence rate for vaginsmus was as high as 47% making it a problem that affects many women in society today. The research went on to say that 50% of women who reported attending sex therapy had been dealing with vaginismus. There are many reasons vaginismus could occur, one being vestibulitis.

When there is a pain on our body, the body learns to defend that part by tensing up, which is what the vagina is doing too. One of the biggest components to vaginismus is anxiety. Anxiety could heighten around sex if there has been sexual abuse in a persons past, being told not to have sex, negative sexual experiences, low self esteem, among others. In using vaginal dilators, talking with a sex therapist about the concerns and also discussing the situation with a medical professional (i.e. gynecologist and/or pelvic floor specialist), this problem can be reduced or alleviated. One of the main interventions used in sex therapy for vaginismus is called sensate focus. This allows the client to work not only on the relaxation component of her pelvic floor, but also the psychological component that could contribute to the reflexive tightening. Pelvic Floor Specialist can provide great help in using biofeedback allowing the woman to see her muscle contractions on the computer screen. In using exercises, pelvic floor specialist can help women become more aware of muscle tightening in their vulva and vaginal area and over time allow for intercourse to become less painful and even pain free. Below is a diagram of the cycle of vaginismus provided by vaginismis.com.

Vulvodynia is pain in the vulva region while vaginismis and vestibulitis are central to the vagina. This type of pain can be due to a skin condition leaving the nerves ten times more receptive because of unexplained inflammation. The sensation can feel like burning in different parts of the vulva. Pain can occur after or during sitting too long, wearing tight clothes, pressure to the area, and sometimes just from wearing pants. The pain can stretch to the inner thighs and the perineum.

Though still being researched, speculations point towards this list (but not limited to) of what could cause vulvodynia:
– injury
– increased nerve sensitivity
– abnormal response to infection or trauma
– genetics
– hypersensitivity to yeast or a different organism located in the vuvla
– weakness or spasms in the pelvic floor

Treatment options include:
– oral medications to stop the pain
– topical medications
– pelvic floor muscle therapy
– modifying diet
– surgery
– nerve blocks

Living with painful sex can feel very lonely and embarrassing. In the midst of working through the pain remember to work on the intimacy with your partner. Go on dates, affirm one another, utilize more foreplay and don’t keep having sex if there is pain. Continuing to have sex through the pain can create more physiological difficulties along with physical damages.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed professional counselor, sex therapist. With any pain or changes, it is always good to seek medical advice such as a gynecologist, pelvic floor specialist, general practitioner, dermatologist, vulvovaginal specialist, or pain management specialist. Please feel free to email me with any questions. Emma@Emma-Schmidt.com.

Resources:

• Vaginismishelp.com
• Center for Pelvic Floor and Core Rehabilitation Center
• National Vulvondynia Association
• The Centers for Vulvovaginal Disorders
• Vaginismus.com
• “The V Book” by Elizabeth Stewart
• “When Sex Hurts” Goldstein, Pukall & Goldstein

I received a question on how loved ones could respond when a family member or friend discloses their sexual addiction. What a great question! There are certainly more resources that could be developed for the area surrounding what to do if and when someone confides in you about their sexual addiction.

Around three to six percent of the population is affected by sexual addiction with one in three of those being women. That is to say, sexual addiction is among us and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast. This is for sure not an easy conversation for the one presenting the addiction or the one listening. Though there are many emotions and concerns and even shock values to consider for the one listening, nevertheless the part where the addict reaches out for help can sometimes be overlooked. Just like with any addiction, seeking help for a sexual addiction is a very difficult step. This step is oftentimes felt as very shameful and embarrassing for the person experiencing the addiction. Here are a few tips that can help you or a loved one get through a time of confusion, pain and help with the recovery process:

1. Listen – This is probably not easy for the person disclosing the information. Maybe this is one of the first times the person with the addiction is talking about what has been happening. Listening attentively might be a great starting point for what they need.

2. Be supportive – Though this might not be the most ideal conversation, being supportive of them wanting to change and reaching out for your support can be therapeutic to the person with the addiction.

3. Know your limits – Recognize that you cannot change the person. Only they can change themselves. They need you to be loving and non-judgmental during this time, not the “fixer.”

4. Educate yourself about the myths of sexual addiction – “It’s the partners fault”, “Women are not sex addicts” and “Sex addicts are always rapists” are a few of the wide spread misperceptions.

5. Research – Understanding what the sex addict is going through can help you understand, break down your own assumptions and better empathize. Some great resources are Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, No Stones: Women Redeemed From Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, Sexhelp.com.

These suggestions are to help guide you in your journey to living a more fulfilling sexual life. If you are experiencing any sexual difficulties or concerns, I encourage you to seek help. If you have any questions or comments about what you read, feel free to e-mail me at Emma@Emma-Schmidt.com.