Here’s to quitting

Here’s to quitting

I'm almost there!


Monday, February 5th


I just got back from the store, and I have some mixed feelings with myself right now.  I bought another pack. Undecided I’m telling myself this will be my last one, and hopefully it is.  Yes, I caved, I’m beating myself up for it, but hear me out.  I finished the last cigarette from the pack I bought Thursday on a break at work today and it just didn’t feel right.  I don’t know how to exactly describe it, but it just wasn’t right.  I guess this is where the “it’s a mental thing” kicks in—it wasn’t how I planned it.  For starters I certainly didn’t want to have the last one at work.   I want it to be at home, my comfort zone.  It’s like I’m attending a funeral or something, like I have to prep myself and have one last special moment with a loved one before they are buried.  I have to say my farewells respectfully, make my peace with it.  LOL—I’m hoping that some of you reading this know what I’m feeling so I don’t sound like such a loon to others.


At any rate, I bought a different brand, plus they are ultra lights, so I’m hoping that helps.  I also bought two bags of Charms Blowpops (thank God for Valentines candy—I scored all cherry flavored bags).  See, I tried quitting another time and I found the Charms to work better for two reasons: 1) they last longer, and 2) I can gnaw at the sucker covered gum in frustration when I’m done. 


So here I am, with my last pack.  I’m going to cherish these next few days, spend some quality time with my nicotine friends.  I want to say good-bye the right way, and trust me, a time limit in a musty smoke hut just isn’t the way to go.


Wednesday, February 7th


Well, I survived the horrible traffic conditions and cabin fever the last two days.  Yesterday was atrocious, as you all know.  Fortunately, my shift ended early in the afternoon yesterday, and by the grace of God, I beat the horrible traffic backups.  Still, the drive home took almost an hour, and I only smoked one cigarette.  The drive to work today was just shy of my trip home, and I got two in.  My shift today is incredibly short, so I had most the day to stay in the house.  I smoked a little more than I wanted to, but I’ve got my timeline prepared, so I had to ration them out correctly.


I’ve figured it out to where I can smoke my last one at home tomorrow night.  I’m wondering how I’m going to do it, much less how I’m going to make it.  All I know is I can’t buy another pack once as I finish this one off.  I’ve had almost 3 weeks to prep myself for this, there is no excuse from here on out.  For some reason I keep getting this mental image of some hard-core personal trainer screaming in my face, “THERE ARE NO EXCUSES!  NO PAIN, NO GAIN!”  I literally shake my head to snap out of it.  Funny, I don’t remember hallucinations the last time I tried to quit.  I’m kind of nervous about tomorrow, but I’m even more nervous about the days after that.  I’ve had some headaches, some mood swings, but in the past I’ve gone right back to smoking.


Tomorrow is another day, but also the last day.  This really ought to be interesting.


Thursday, February 8th


Well, this is it.  Today is the day.  I’m actually sad!  I don’t know what the deal is, I just feel like I’m losing a friend.  I have spent over 8 years smoking.  Cigarettes have been my companion through broken hearts, arguments, and some very hard times.  I always found comfort in a cup of coffee, a smoke, and some alone time.  It’s hard to believe how a small object can have such an impact on my life.  I am literally emotional over never having another Camel again.


Of course the first couple years of my smoking weren’t bad.  I was still in high school and only smoked at work and on the weekends.  I think I hid it from parents until a few months after actually turning 18.  I think the world stopped turning for just a second when my family found out that I smoked.  How did this honor society, athletic, and well-mannered girl start smoking?  *GASP* absolutely appalling! Surprised


Maybe all of these emotions are just a part of the nicotine withdrawal—at least I’m hoping so.  I have one cigarette left.  It’s “THE” cigarette.  This is the moment I have built everything up to so far.  I don’t know at what point in the evening I will smoke it, but I’m going to have to do it sometime.


Friday, February 9th


Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster.  I ended up smoking that last cigarette this morning on my way to work.  I fell asleep on the couch shortly after writing my piece from yesterday, and by the time I woke up at midnight, I just didn’t have it in me to say goodbye while half asleep.  I think it was better this way.  After all, driving is my biggest trigger point, plus I had my coffee.  I had a sign as well.  Yes, as weird as it sounds, I totally believe in them, and man did I have one.  I decided it was time, and as I lit my last cigarette and breathed it in, I changed the radio to WEBN.  No sooner had I slowly blew out the smoke, the chorus of Linkin Park’s song sang to me loud and clear.  “I’m breaking the habit, I’m breaking the habit…”


That sealed the deal.  If that wasn’t a clear cut sign, I don’t know what is.  The funny thing is that it was settling.  It was as if that’s how that chapter of my life was supposed to end.  I just leaned back into my seat and savored every last bit of the cigarette with this, “Here’s to you kid,” smirk on my face.  As the moment came to give it once last flick, everything slowed down.  I let the window down a little, and then I let it go, watching the amber glow scatter onto the highway from my side mirror.  It was like that scene from “Titanic” where Rose has to let go of Jack and he falls slowly into the darkness of the ocean.  *sniff  sniff* Cry


The work day was long and nauseating.  I thought about asking for one when break time came, but I didn’t.  I certainly did not want to give in that easily.  Thank God I’m so dang stubborn.  I gnawed through my fair share of Blow Pops until 12:30.  Here is where the torture started.


At 4:30 I had my appointment with Holly from Personal Newtrition to get my “stats” for my classes next week.  The rule is no calorie or caffeine consumption 4 hours before the test.  All I could have was water for 4 hours.  No suckers, no gum, no Crystal Light—just pure agony.  Of course it probably wouldn’t have been sheer torture if I hadn’t smoked my last cigarette in the morning, but noooooooo, I had to give it all up today.  All I can say is I’m glad nobody ticked me off that afternoon, or else I might have been escorted out of the building.