week 2–I’ve got my work cut out

The saga continues…

Monday, January 29^th

Well, I survived today in pretty good shape.  I finished the pack I got on Friday by the end of the work day today, which is actually pretty good.  To last three days, much less it being the weekend, with one pack is amazing.  My normal work day cigarette count is 3 on the way in, 2 on both breaks, 3 on lunch, and 3 again on the way home.  So counting the few I might have throughout the night, I can go through a pack a day.

I made it to work today only smoking two.  Becky (the gal who is quitting with me) and I decided that we will cut back to 1 on breaks and 2 on lunch, then decrease again next week.  The trip home I also had two.  I picked up a pack when I left, so here’s to starting another pack countdown.

Tuesday, January 30^th

ARRGGHHH!!!  Today was a bad day for my smoking.  I did so-so on the count, but boy was I hacked off at something with my Jeep.  Technically I should say I’m still hacked off, and really it’s with the guys at the shop.  Why is it that just because I am a female, car mechanics want to treat me like an incompetent, helpless, woman?  HELLO!  Just because I have breasts doesn’t mean I don’t know my way around a vehicle.  So I’m pissed to the 100^th degree.  Having a flashback, I should have thrown their stupid tools out the shop doors!  I wanted to grab them by their shirt collars and scream, “I’m trying to quit smoking and you’re not helping me AT ALL, you, you judgmental *bleep*!!!!”   I’m not going back there again, and I’m sure they don’t care—I had “attitude” and another choice word wrote all over me on my way out the doors.

Whew, alright, now that’s off my chest…

So I smoked a couple more than I wanted to today.  I’m kind of upset, but I’m OK with it.  I know had it been a month before this, I would have gone through half a pack just stewing about my ordeal at the shop.  I guess I can look at the bright side of this—I got my first situation to get pissed about out of the way.  Wow, I forgot how bad the moodiness can get with quitting!

Thursday, February 1^st

Well I purchased my third, and hopefully my last, pack of cigarettes tonight.  I kind of went through my other pack fast, but I shared some on Wednesday with Becky.  Good news, I didn’t smoke at all on my way to work this morning.  Of course I had none, but I suppose I needed that.  I bummed some from Becky during the day for breaks, and she gave me one for my ride home.  I ate dinner with some friends and didn’t have to step outside, of course because I still had none.  They were happy to hear about my quitting and all my life-altering changes I have planned, so it feels good to have that support.  After my trip to the grocery store, I smoked one, the last one for the day.

I’m starting to get a little nervous.  My last pack.  This is it.  I’ve already planned out how I’m going to ration them.  I feel like I’m stuck on a deserted island and I have no way to get more cigarettes.  Can I do it?  I’m beginning to question my decision not to use the patch or other quitting aides.  I bought the 100’s, thinking that will help me stretch it out long enough to get the nicotine out of my system.  Will it work?  I guess we’ll find out.

Friday, February 2^nd

So I did alright on my count today.  I had one on my way to work, and two on my way home, which included some errands I had to run.  I started getting a headache at work today.  My first sign of nicotine withdrawal—goodie.  I’m guessing it was from yesterday and my severe cut back.  All I can think is, “grrreeeaat.”  I noticed another thing today that is apparently from my cut back.  I stepped on the scale this morning and wasn’t too happy.  I’ve already picked up a couple of pounds.  I was wondering when that was going to happen, now I know.  Not a good day folks, not a good day.

I can see now why Chrisy from Personal Newtrition told me to quit before I go on this 6-week program.  Before the program you have a metabolic test done so they can figure out how your diet should go according to your metabolism.  In the case of someone who smokes, and isn’t quitting, they can’t have nicotine 1 hour before the test because smoking speeds up your metabolism.

I want to get on this diet now.  Personal Newtrition’s program is really going to help—I’ll go into detail on that a little later.  I’m thinking about getting a head start and jumping on my Tony Little Gazelle.  I can’t believe I’m already gaining weight!  I haven’t changed my eating habits at all, except for that extra chocolate I had on Wednesday.  Surely THAT couldn’t add a few pounds!  Headaches and now the scale is tipping.  What have I got myself into?  It takes every bit of me to convince myself I’m better off doing it now rather than later down the line.  I wanted to quit before I got my teeth fixed, so I need to just get it done and over with.  “Suck it up chump!” is all I have to tell myself.  If I can’t break this habit, how weak am I?  I honestly don’t want to answer that right now. 

Saturday February 3^rd

Once again, I did alright with my cigarette count today.  In comparison to where I was 2 weeks ago, I’m doing well.  By now I would have easily gone through 8 packs, and I’m still on my 3^rd.  So why am I feeling so down?

To all you people who have quit smoking out there, bless your nicotine-free hearts.  I have heard so many suggestions for ways to quit.  Cold turkey, weaning, take some from each new pack and toss them, the patch, gum, blah blah blah.  I’m getting aggravated and irritated with the thought of not having my filter-tipped companions.  This is hard—harder than I thought it was going to be.

I need to do this.  I want to do this.  I’ve put myself out there for everyone to see, I can’t give up.  I want people to read this and be able to relate to what I’m going through.  I want everyone who is facing weight loss or breaking the smoking habit to see they aren’t alone.  I’m a real person, not just some picture in a magazine with a woman wearing men’s jeans, holding them out like she “really” lost the weight.  I’m a real person, not some picture in an ad for a patch or pill.  This is the real deal.  It’s hard, I’m not going to lie, but it’s going to be soooo worth it in the long run.

I have to laugh sometimes.  I keep having this mental image of what I’m going to look like and feel like 6 months from now.  You know what’s odd when I think about that?  I’m so happy.  I picture myself smiling, just loving where I’m at.  It’s not that I’m not happy now, I love everything about my life.  It’s just that I see a better me, a more healthy me.  I’ve decided that’s my “goal picture”.  I might not have a physical picture to post up by my mirror or at my desk to see every day, but by God, I can still see it.

It’s gonna be a rough road, but I think I’m going to make.  I might stumble along the way, but I’ll get there.