Our resident sex therapist discusses how changing our space can change our sex life. Keep reading for her four helpful tips.
There is nothing like trying to get in the mood and then being distracted by that glaring pile of laundry in the corner and the half empty cups on the night stand. Clutter is not a friend to intimacy- especially for women. One of the chief complaints I hear from my clients is that there are so many things that need to get done, and the to-do list is ticking away in their brains. Making an attempt to be present and receive any sort of pleasure becomes nearly impossible. Now sure, there are tricks to help reduce the noise in your head so you can enjoy intimacy, but what I want to talk about today is creating a sensual space that cultivates intimacy- A pleasure zone in your home!
As I mentioned above, clutter is the kryptonite to relaxation. When we can’t relax we can’t be fully present in our experiences. When things appear messy outside of our body, it feels messy inside our brain. Getting into the habit of picking up after yourself throughout the day so that things don’t end up piling up. Or make sure that the clutter is contained- closets have doors for a reason. Don’t have the time or the energy to do this (I hear ya!)? Invest in a cleaning lady. The going rate for a cleaning lady is $25/ hour. This is not a luxury if it allows you to free up your brain and decrease your anxiety. You deserve it! It doesn’t make you lazy or a failure. It makes you efficient!
Set the Tone
If you are anything like me, you have a very hard time getting any work done if you are in a noisy, stinky, chaotic place. Or, how many of you have shown up to the gym and realize you left your headphones at home. What did you do? You bailed on the workout, of course! This same rule applies for getting in the mood. Light a candle. Dim the lights. Put on some calm sensual music. Brush your teeth. Tune into each of your senses and make sure that you are pleasing all of them.
Turn off screens
Our phones are killing our sex lives. Period. Sitting in bed next to your partner while both of you are scrolling through Instagram is not intimacy. And it is definitely not foreplay. Watching Game of Thrones for an hour and then rolling over and saying, “we should probably have sex” is not hot. Work on setting limits for all screens. We do this for our kids, so why wouldn’t we give ourselves this gift of boundaries. Try going electronic free for one evening a week. See what happens. It is amazing how much time you will free up!
Leave the to-do list outside the bedroom
I am a meditator. I recommend it for everyone- especially those people that “hate it” or “can’t do it” (Sorry guys, you are the ones that need it the most!) But when I began my meditation practice I had a really hard time shutting off my to-do list. My teacher gave me the brilliant idea to right down my to do list before I began my practice so there wasn’t any anxiety around forgetting the things I had to do. This doesn’t solve the issue but it definitely can decrease some of that chatter in your noggin.