Ask Nicci: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Ask Nicci: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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I am no longer in love with my boyfriend and I think I’m okay with that. We never married, but have co-existed together for 10 years. We are essentially roommates; there is no longer a spark. Honestly, life has beaten me down and I am not interested in trying to reignite or fix things. I am 46 years old, set in my ways and really have no desire to start dating again. Growing old without a partner makes me sad, but I wonder if living with someone I don’t love is worse? Is being alone better than co-existing with someone you do not belong with?


Should I stay or should I go?


Dear Go,

I do not care what anybody else thinks — no one wants to be alone. But is being lonely in a relationship the better option? I really understand where you are coming from: we all want to be loved and appreciated. Period. Regardless, it is clear that you need to cheer up. Lucky for you I have "cheerleader" in my repertoire! It’s time to rally, girlfriend.


What is most important right now is to consider that you have some options to weigh and we need to get you in the right frame of mind to do so. So wake up and look around you. Women in their mid-40’s are now choosing to get married for the first time, starting families and having babies, or climbing to the peak of the corporate ladder. Let’s focus first on getting you out of this emotional funk that you’re in so you will realize first that you are still alive.


Clearing your mind is essential in making any large decision. Plan that girls weekend you have been putting off, make time to confide in a friend, or even cleaning the house works for some people. Whatever it takes, find a reason to get time away from your partner to ponder your strategy and break up your thoughts. Whatever it is that does the trick, get your head on straight so you can rationally weigh your options. Above all, do not self-destruct in this phase — the bad habits may be fun later but for now get yourself in a frame of mind that will be productive for you.


Hopefully after some time away to refresh yourself you have realized that you have two real choices: do nothing or move on. Obviously you aren’t going to get my blessing for not taking some initiative to follow your path to happiness. So what you really have to identify is whether it is a relationship problem that is fixable (or not) or a problem with yourself. You need to self discover the underlying problem. Typically, the common denominator in bad relationships is some form of resentment. It breeds all sorts of problems, both in the relationship and within yourself. Letting go, accepting or solving your issues is the place to start healing.


I strongly urge you to keep an open mind to finding or re-falling in "love". It does exist, I assure you. As daunting as it sounds to start loving again whether in your relationship or a new one, true love does exist. It’s all about timing and being receptive to the idea of some day finding it.