Yesterday, I was busy giving a full day presentation on resilience to a group of IT workers. Although I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, I was exhausted by the time that I got home. I sat behind my desk and tried my best to focus and accomplish some work. However, no matter how hard I tried, my work output was nonexistent. Have you ever been so drained that you can’t even push yourself? Finally, I made a decision to just stop for today, get a good night’s sleep and start fresh in the morning.

After working out, I sat down at my desk to make out my to-do list. I had thought about some of the things that I wanted to accomplish for the last couple hours, and the list just kept getting longer and longer. As I filled out my list, I began to feel that anxious feeling when there are just too many things to do at once.

I was feeling stressed and I didn’t know where to start.

Now, here’s the thing about making out a to-do list. I did exactly what I tell everyone NOT to do. I made a list of everything that has to be accomplished in my personal AND professional life. I made a list of everything, and I mean everything, that is weighing on my mind and that I have been neglecting.

It was overwhelming because it was a crazy long list, and it was virtually impossible to accomplish everything in one day.

In other words, I was setting myself up for failure. There was no way that I could make a dent in that list. And even if I accomplished some of the many items on the list, way too many would still be left unchecked.

The problem was what was going on inside my head. I was evaluating my success based on my ability to accomplish my COMPLETE list. My expectations were unrealistic, to say the least. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was making one long list instead breaking down the list into separate days with each task prioritized. That would have eliminated the “overwhelmed feelings” that I was experiencing.

The truth about stress is that it’s all about perspective. It’s not about avoiding or reducing the things that cause you stress in your life. Often, that’s just impossible! It’s more about changing your perspective and expectations as you go through your day. If I could have practiced what I preach and changed the chatter that was going on inside my head, I could have eliminated some stress I was feeling in the last couple days.

Having the tools to be resilient is the first step. Actually utilizing those tools is the second and most important step. We all fall back into familiar negative patterns now and then. It’s what you do about it that really matters.

Empathy- the ability to emotionally understand what another person is feeling.

The last week has been tough. Wherever you look, people’s emotions are on edge due to the recent election. People have taken sides and each group is having difficulty understanding the motives and reactions of the other group. Some people are elated, while others are feeling a multitude of things: disappointment, fear, anger and grief.

Being trained in Mental Health, I spend every waking hour observing others. It’s just something that I do instinctively. I don’t necessarily engage in feelings— I just observe from afar and try to understand why and how people are responding.

Friday, I met with a connection that told me she had spent time guiding a company on how to handle a physical fight between two workers on opposite sides of the political argument. Yes, people are on edge everywhere you look and that emotion inevitably seeps into our workplace.

There is a lack of empathy in much of our communication. I observe individuals demonstrating their own personal values, beliefs and attitudes about life. The problem is that they also expect others to adhere to those same values, beliefs and world views. Following last week, there appears to be a lack of understanding— We have trouble making room for human differences and the inability to see that individuals don’t necessarily fit into neatly defined categories.

What I do see is a strong compelling need to demonstrate WHY I am right and I have the right way of thinking.

Nowhere is this more evident than on Social Media. Here, you see a total lack of empathy and a complete lack of the ability to imagine how others feel. You see individuals pushing their belief system on others while refusing to listen. You witness people expecting others to see things their way, and if they don’t, they are attacked. You observe people feeling the need to rationalize their beliefs and expecting others to support them— or else. Polarized thinking is rampant and stirs up anger, hate and decisiveness.

You see a whole lot of JUDGEMENT but very little empathy.

As humans, we are a complicated species. Each one of us has a worldview made up of values, attitudes and beliefs based on our many life experiences. You won’t understand me unless you actively listen, without judgment, to where I am coming from and what I feel. I won’t understand you unless I actively listen, without judgment, to where you are coming from and what you feel.

Until this happens, we won’t have successful communication and understanding.

So how do you ensure that EMPATHY is part of your leadership toolkit? You become more Empathetic by practicing these skills daily:

1. Use your energy to actively listen to others and understand how they are feeling.
2. Refrain from minimizing others’ feelings and rationalizing about your own feelings.
3. Hold yourself back from making judgments about others that think differently than you. Just meet them where they are.

Remember during this time that empathy is the ability to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Truly live up to this standard.

I was discussing an upcoming training with a client the other day when she informed me that one of the key employees wouldn’t be able to make it. If we didn’t present the training on our previously planned date, it would have to be postponed for some time. I immediately responded that we should postpone the training for a couple months until everyone can be present.

My client responded by disagreeing with me and insisting that we go ahead with the training. My first thought was that she just didn’t understand the whole situation. Surely, she could see how her thinking was wrong. However, as I continued to truly listen to her reasoning, I began to change my perspective. I actually began to see why her thinking made sense. She did understand what we were trying to accomplish and had already given the dilemma much thought.

I was speaking from my experience, my knowledge of the situation and from my vantage point. I was making my best judgment. However, she shared new information, and made the case as to why this was the right decision. After receiving additional information, I agreed to moving forward with her plan.

So remember when I said that I listened and realized that in light of some new compelling information, I might be incorrect? That’s where a lot of leaders fail in their quest to be successful. They are strong in the concept of making decisions and leading the team, but might not be making the BEST decision because they just won’t listen.

Here are a couple principles to think about next time you are in this situation:

Someone else might have a better idea and that’s O.K.
So here’s the truth: Sometimes it’s not easy for leaders and influencers to like other ideas better then their own. Leaders are confident in their actions. However, leaders can LEARN to step back and truly listen and respect other’s opinions and judgments. This skill can be developed with constant practice.

Focus on the best outcome, not on who had the best idea
Focus less on being right or wrong and more on what the best outcome is for the team. Drop the ego and ask yourself: Will this decision accomplish our goals? Will this decision get us to where we want to go? How will we see the results that we desire?

Truly listen to others when they share their opinion
If I had not actively listened to my client, I would have still been stuck on my original assessment. We would have postponed the training and it would have been the wrong decision for everyone. However, once I heard her additional information and put it in context for this situation, I realized that I didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. Actively listening means that I am able to get outside what going on in my own head and what my needs are in the situation. I am able to take a birds-eye view of the situation and see the objective facts.

Think about this the next time you have a discussion and there is a decision to be made. Consciously step back and truly listen to the reasoning. Don’t let emotion and ego get in the way of you reaching the best outcome.

I planted three rosebushes in our front yard a couple years ago. They are right in front of the windows and have a direct view from the street. When they were first planted, I watered them daily and made sure to fertilize them so the bugs wouldn’t eat them. Last year, I got pretty lax and began to let things go. Cut to this year, where I didn’t pay much attention to the three rosebushes. However, I did notice that two were looking quite beautiful and were producing vibrant flowers.

You see, I assumed that the other one would just catch up to the beautiful one. I really didn’t spend much time thinking or worrying about it. I also didn’t spend any time watering, fertilizing or feeding them. It just seemed like too much work.

I just ignored it.

Three days ago, I was coming into the house from walking the dog. For the first time, I took a really good look at my rosebushes. The one in the middle was completely dead. There were no flowers and no leaves. It was completely, unequivocally, absolutely dead.

I went in the house shocked and thought about how that could have happened. Why didn’t I notice that there was an urgent problem with the bush? Couldn’t I see along the way that there was a problem? Why didn’t I water, feed and fertilize it while it still had a chance?

Sound familiar? You’ve probably seen this unfold in your own life at some point or another. Maybe you have a problem dealing with an employee at work or someone in your personal life and you see little signs of an issue here and there. You let things slide day after day because you don’t really want to deal with it. To be honest, you have better things to occupy your time and you believe that it’s not a priority. So you put it off and go on to the next task.

You do this because dealing with relationships can be uncomfortable. Having these types of conversations can be difficult. So you just ignore it and hope it will get better.

But guess what happens instead? Left unattended, the situation grows, expands and festers until the little issue becomes a full-blown serious problem. When you finally take a really close look, you see the reality. You wonder how you let it get to that point in the same way that I wondered how my rosebush went from growing and healthy to totally dead. It just felt like it happened overnight.

This is a hard lesson for you to learn. It takes energy and discipline to solve the little problems that crop up daily. Solving the problem might involve having an uncomfortable discussion with someone and that’s not a pleasurable experience. But hoping that it will go away just doesn’t work.

So you need to make a CHANGE in the way that you view the world. You need to recognize the tension or the uncomfortable feeling,when you have a situation that is just a bit off kilter. Deal with it NOW and don’t let yourself look the other way. Force yourself to confront the situation, no matter how small it is. You need to do this because before you know it, that small problem can grow and infect your whole family or organization.

Make the commitment to water, feed and fertilize your relationships daily.

The noise from the exercise room at the gym caught my attention. Curious, I peered in to see what was going on. Someone in the group yelled to me and suggested that I join them for the new class that was about to start. I had never taken part in this new exercise and felt a little hesitant.

To be perfectly honest, my first thought was that I didn’t know what to expect. It just wasn’t what I had planned to do that morning. But then I thought about the opportunity of trying something new, and I got excited. I told myself that I’m sure that I could survive this experience, even if I didn’t know what I was doing and I just might learn something new.

Looking back, it was crazy to have any reservations. But let’s be real here, you probably do this as well. Dependent upon your beliefs, you might be willing to try and learn new things or you might feel comfortable staying within your zone where you can be sure to excel.

According to a theory created by Carol Dweck, a world renowned Psychologist at Stanford University, individuals possess fixed or growth mindsets. She has studied achievement and success for decades and has uncovered two different belief systems that exist within the population.

People with a fixed-mindset believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence and talent, is fixed and won’t change over their lifetime. They believe talent alone is what leads to success. According to the book “Mindset”, by Carole Dweck, people with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can be developed throughout their life with perseverance and hard work. Their talent and skills are just the starting point, not the end point.

What happens when you possess a fixed mindset and you fail? You are definitely not encouraged to try again because apparently, you are not working within your talents. On the other hand, what happens if you possess a growth mindset and you fail? You figure that you might need to do things a little differently, make some changes and try again. A growth mindset leads to individuals that are more resilient, willing to learn new things and more comfortable getting outside their comfort zone.

In the last two weeks, I had two client situations that best represent the need for possessing a growth-mindset in the workplace. In one situation, a team member commented to a leader that they don’t learn by training and coaching. In another situation, a team member shared with the leader that they abhor all training.

I suspect that both of these situations had more to do with individuals adhering to a fixed-mindset belief and feeling uncomfortable learning outside their rigid rules of success. If the learning involves an area where they currently don’t excel, they don’t want to take part.

They could fail.

I encourage companies to promote the growth-mindset and create a culture where learning and development is at the company’s core. That means sometimes, you will be asked to dabble outside your area of expertise and become comfortable with the process and the outcome. This is regardless of whether it’s a raving success or a complete flop.

That’s the true definition of success.